Me...

So lately it has been proven to me that sometimes the people that you don't normally associate with being a large part of your support network are in fact people that you have never physically met but at the same time mean so much to you. I spend a large part of my time alone not doing very much other than playing on my computer. which sounds rather pathetic. and to be honest i am sure that there are other more stimulating and enjoyable things that i could be doing. but in doing so i would not have got to meet many of the amazing people that i have had the pleasure of meeting, and i hope that they have gotten to know me a little. i am a Very shy person, i don't go up to people and introduce myself. ask them if they want to go for coffee and let them get to know the real me. there are very few people that do actually know that person. the one that will tell you the truth because i want people to be honest with me and believe that by doing this for you you will do so for me in return. but will stress the whole time that i am working up to telling you, and after the fact that i have upset you, because i don't want to hurt or upset you either. If you call me at 3am because something has hurt you or you need me i will do my best to get to you if that's what you need, or just listen while you talk. i will stop what i am doing and come get you if you cant get home, i will run with you to make sure that your boyfriend is okay if he was to say crash his car into a fence after he leaves our house at 2am, even though it means letting other people down and the run is over a mile long and i am wearing my steel toed boots with no socks on because i didn't have time to put them on and chase after you. i try to put the needs of others before myself because i think that other people deserve to be happy now, my happiness is something that can wait till later. i can go for days with out talking to people, this is not because i am grouchy or that i don't want to talk to people. its just that i really don't feel the need to open my mouth and vocalizing what i am thinking. if we have an argument and don't see each other for a few days afterwards, and the next time you do i am fine and just want to move on, this is most probably because i have spent the last few days arguing with you in my head and have come to realise your point. or you have come to realise mine...well at least the you in my head has. I get depressed, so sometimes i just shrug my shoulders say there is nothing i can do about it and then get on with life. i am fiercely loyal to my friends, and i try not to pick sides in a fight. i fight like a cat with my sister, but if you try to touch her or hurt her you Will have to go through me first and i know where my steel toes are or my stiletos are to hurt you. the same goes for any one that matters to me. i have had my heart broken in love, i have been cheated on, i have been lied to and i have sat there after it all and still did the best that i could to help you. i have tried to be strong for you, i have tried to be what you needed when maybe the best thing that i could have done for you was to let you go. i trusted you and you let me down, you have been manipulative, you have lied and you have broken your promises. i didn't think that i had asked for much from you, just honesty.
I have spent days running around in a skirt so short it scared me, but we had spanky pants on and we were Crusader Cheerleaders so we did it with pride. i sat and looked through school photos to make sure that the year books you have on your shelves were special even if in years to come you hope that your kids don't find because you cant believe you wore that outfit for your school photo. i ran to city hall on my 18th birthday so i could hand in my application to be a fire fighter with you because i wanted to learn more from you, and i wanted to help people. i also spent an extra six months in school so that for two hours once a week i could come to the hall and learn from you then as well. I have spent birthdays doing haz mat training, i have spent Christmas standing under a ladder at chimney fire and being the best dressed fire fighter on scene...and freezing for it. i have cried when i think about that call. not because anything bad happened for us, no one was hurt, but because when the call came in we were talking to you grandpa on the web cam. i didn't know that was the last time that i would get to do that at Christmas. you were gone by the next one. i am the person who has tears running down her face because writing this makes her remember and it still hurts. i hate this time of year, my birthday is coming up and that means that the anniversary of you leaving us is coming up too. i still miss you everyday. growler will always sleep on my bed, if i ever find a man that is willing spend the rest of his life with me, he better be ready to accept that growler was there first and he ain't going Anywhere.
I love my friends and family and i am very grateful for you. so thank you for being you, and thank you for being their for me. even if we have never met in person. even if i only know you are a 3ft tall gnome that has a pink mowhawk and runs around in a dress. I Cherish our friendships and i am grateful for all the times you have non complainingly sat there and listened to me talking rubbish because i was hyper, or bitched because i was hurting, i am sorry, i am thankful, i am me and i thank you for accepting that and letting me be me. i am going to stop writing now. this post is nothing like what i was intending it to be, which is so often the case when is start writing, it is scatterbrained and all over the place much like me. but it is honest and it is true. so if you read it i hope it gave you a little more insight into me. if not i guess i will have to work harder to bring the walls down and let people in. if i was to make a resolution this year that was to be it. Let more people into the real me, hope its working...

I'm Tired...

I'm tired of dreaming of you, every time that i do i Wake up and feel lIke you have been able to once again tear my heart to shredS. i thougHt that you loved me, I know that i loveD you. there were so many things that I wanted us to Do. i tried to be what you Needed me to be, i wanted to be There, i hated moving from you, it really waSn'T fair. I know that i'm bitter, i know it's not fair, but at this moment in time i reaLLy don't care. it turned out i didn't know you, it turned out that i was wrong, i went and got my heart broken, i thought it might happen alL alOng. you always seemed distracted, you always weren't completely there; you always had walls around you, i told myself i didn't care. i wonder if i pushed you? if what i said was wrong. was there something i could haVe done differEnt? something that would have made You stay? i remember the conversatiOn that we had one day, aboUt love and hoW it was lIke a walL, that if i wanted it to be strong and last forever then using toothpaste for mortar would be rather a useless idea, i guess our walL was made like that, not strong enough to hold against what was coming at it. i'm glad things seem to Be working out for yUu, and thaT really Is the truth, you are getting to all the places that i wanteD tO go with you. i'll stop writting this now, before it gets much sadder, i know you will never see this post and that really doesnt matter, mostly i think you will find dear sir that it is useless pratter.