Almost a year...

Homer,

I cant believe it, Its almost been a year since you left us. 365 days actually, and before you say anything Yes I do know that a year had 365 days. But! Since its a leap year it there is an extra day to be counted. Otherwise it would be a year today. I find it hard to believe that that much time has passed. It seems like it was only last week that M and I were sitting on the sofa in the old flat, Eating chicken kieves with mashed potato's when Tash called to give me the news. I didn't know who was on the phone at first. It came up with a number and I could see that it was Canadian, but I never for one moment thought that it was going to be the news that it was. I still feel numb about it all, It doesn't seem real that you are gone. I miss you every day. There is so much that I want to tell you about. I got into University! I'm now studying to get my Bachelor of Science in Adult Nursing. I've decided that I am no longer going to let things hold me back. I'm taking your lead. I am going to Live my life rather than just roll over and let it pass me by. I've got a new apartment, Its Amazing! you would totally approve. Its nothing like the old one. Its warm, has central heating, hot water, No damp, or mould. When you clean it it still looks clean five minutes later. I really love it. M and I are still together. I don't know what I would have done without him. I know that you really didn't like the guy I was with when I left Canada. But I think you would have liked him alot better than the one I got together with after him. That one you would have actually smacked me upside the head and asked what the hell I was thinking. But M is good. He puts up with my nonsense, (most of the time) makes sure that I am safe, and not getting myself into trouble. But best of all, when something is wrong, He doesn't just tell me to sort it out myself. He helps me to do it. He supports me without doing it for me. He loves me, and I can't believe how lucky I am that I have someone like that.

M&D have some news that I haven't really told anyone yet. They are moving back to CL as long as everything goes according to plan, D's been offered his old job back but with the CRAF this time rather than the RAF. I am so pleased for him! Its what he has wanted since he knew that we would have to come back here. I think its great for him, but at the same time it sucks. I'm really going to miss them. I wont be able to just call them up and see if they want to meet for a coffee or anything in town anymore. I am grateful for where they are going too though, because I know that they will be able to keep and eye on J and the boys for the both of us. I know that shes with your family. But I miss her too.

I was talking to a friend about tattoos the other day. Cant remember how we got onto the topic. Think it was about the fact that I cant get them, but that I want to get another piercing for you, but will have to wait till after Uni before I can as I am not supposed to wear earrings for placements or some classes. It made me think of yours. The irony now of your shoulder one. the contrast in most of your of Fire and Ice. I was looking through your pictures trying to find one in particular, but I didn't have much luck. The one of you hanging over the hole. I like that photo. I still have the grad one that you gave me, Its on my dressing table in that fluffy purple frame, Next to the one of MB at her grad. Did I tell you shes got a new apartment with her OH? Its really nice. I cant believe how grown up she is now.

Well I still miss you, and I do think about you most days. Some are better than other, but none of them have me missing you any less. I love you big brother, I Hope that you are sleeping well and watching over all of us from where ever you are. Tomorrow is going to suck, I have no illusions that it wont. But I'll raise a glass and salute your memory.

*Love & Hugs* Homer
You'll Always Be Missed

Pippy.

"Over You"

Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favourite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone

Cause you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

 

 

 

One of my friends posted a link to this song on the memorial page for her Husband. Its By Miranda Lambert, Shes a really great country singer. It has great significance in the fact that its about her husband's (Blake Shelton, Another great country artist) brother who was killed in a car accident at the age of 15. My friends Husband was my closest friend. We could go for months without talking and yet pick up the same conversations from where we left off and keep going as if no time had passed at all.

 

He was killed in a car accident on August 25th 2011.

 

I Miss him everyday, I think of the last time that I saw him. Of the time when I turned up at his house with Slushies from 7-11 for no apparent reason other than the face that I wanted to say Hi.

I think about that time that we played at the park on the beach for hours under the Northern Lights that were so amazing people said it was like a farewell before the end of the world.

I think of playing on the snow skate on the bunny hill at work on the second day of the Ski Season because I was already getting sent home from work because I managed to break my wrists the first day of it. No one was hiring equipment that night so Val kicked you out to try it out, and sent me home. You were my ride home that night though so I was stuck there even if I wanted to go home. You were pretty good with that thing, I was Crap! but you help my splints and elbows and took the time to help me try and balance while not breaking anything else. I remember it clearly, its one of my favourite memories. I remember the times that you conveniently forgot about the time difference between Alb and Sask and turned up an hour early to pick me up for work...Just enough time for a Timmies lol.

 

I can only hope that there is a reason for you being taken from us so soon. I hold onto that hope and am trying to take each day as it comes.

 

I Miss You xxx

2 Years On...

Two years ago I wrote a post, About how I had a hard time letting people in, letting them get to know me and trying to get to know them. Since then I have been betrayed, I have been broken and I have been picked up and put back together with an Amazing Man! One that Loves me for Me, doesn't get upset with me when I am having a Hard time trying to say what it is that I want to say. That understands that sometimes the things that come out of my mouth don't make a huge amount of sense to anyone else...But for the most part he understands me, (that is an Amazing talent of his). He knows the things that I don't want to say, and will comment on them without needing me to prompt him. He understands that Growler was there first and hasn't tried to take his place, but has made sure that I don't have to sacrifice the things that are important to me and matter just to make him Happy. He has been there for me when I have had good news and stayed with me and made sure that I am safe and okay when I have had bad news. He knows when all I need is for him just to hold me and not say anything until I am ready to talk, and when to kick me up the arse and to get on with things because I am being a wimp. I have a man that is pushing me to be the best that I can be, and supporting me in anyway that he possibly can in order to achieve this. He has scared the life out of me! had me in tears because I was so worried, and yet during that time still been more concerned about how I am than himself.

For this I want you to know that I Love You more than anything! I Can not imagine how I would have been able to survive this last year without you standing next to me. I am going to be forever grateful to you and will never be able to understand just how lucky I am to have you and your love in my life.

I Love You MH xxx

p.s. Its a leap year.....Marry Me? lol

Me...

So lately it has been proven to me that sometimes the people that you don't normally associate with being a large part of your support network are in fact people that you have never physically met but at the same time mean so much to you. I spend a large part of my time alone not doing very much other than playing on my computer. which sounds rather pathetic. and to be honest i am sure that there are other more stimulating and enjoyable things that i could be doing. but in doing so i would not have got to meet many of the amazing people that i have had the pleasure of meeting, and i hope that they have gotten to know me a little. i am a Very shy person, i don't go up to people and introduce myself. ask them if they want to go for coffee and let them get to know the real me. there are very few people that do actually know that person. the one that will tell you the truth because i want people to be honest with me and believe that by doing this for you you will do so for me in return. but will stress the whole time that i am working up to telling you, and after the fact that i have upset you, because i don't want to hurt or upset you either. If you call me at 3am because something has hurt you or you need me i will do my best to get to you if that's what you need, or just listen while you talk. i will stop what i am doing and come get you if you cant get home, i will run with you to make sure that your boyfriend is okay if he was to say crash his car into a fence after he leaves our house at 2am, even though it means letting other people down and the run is over a mile long and i am wearing my steel toed boots with no socks on because i didn't have time to put them on and chase after you. i try to put the needs of others before myself because i think that other people deserve to be happy now, my happiness is something that can wait till later. i can go for days with out talking to people, this is not because i am grouchy or that i don't want to talk to people. its just that i really don't feel the need to open my mouth and vocalizing what i am thinking. if we have an argument and don't see each other for a few days afterwards, and the next time you do i am fine and just want to move on, this is most probably because i have spent the last few days arguing with you in my head and have come to realise your point. or you have come to realise mine...well at least the you in my head has. I get depressed, so sometimes i just shrug my shoulders say there is nothing i can do about it and then get on with life. i am fiercely loyal to my friends, and i try not to pick sides in a fight. i fight like a cat with my sister, but if you try to touch her or hurt her you Will have to go through me first and i know where my steel toes are or my stiletos are to hurt you. the same goes for any one that matters to me. i have had my heart broken in love, i have been cheated on, i have been lied to and i have sat there after it all and still did the best that i could to help you. i have tried to be strong for you, i have tried to be what you needed when maybe the best thing that i could have done for you was to let you go. i trusted you and you let me down, you have been manipulative, you have lied and you have broken your promises. i didn't think that i had asked for much from you, just honesty.
I have spent days running around in a skirt so short it scared me, but we had spanky pants on and we were Crusader Cheerleaders so we did it with pride. i sat and looked through school photos to make sure that the year books you have on your shelves were special even if in years to come you hope that your kids don't find because you cant believe you wore that outfit for your school photo. i ran to city hall on my 18th birthday so i could hand in my application to be a fire fighter with you because i wanted to learn more from you, and i wanted to help people. i also spent an extra six months in school so that for two hours once a week i could come to the hall and learn from you then as well. I have spent birthdays doing haz mat training, i have spent Christmas standing under a ladder at chimney fire and being the best dressed fire fighter on scene...and freezing for it. i have cried when i think about that call. not because anything bad happened for us, no one was hurt, but because when the call came in we were talking to you grandpa on the web cam. i didn't know that was the last time that i would get to do that at Christmas. you were gone by the next one. i am the person who has tears running down her face because writing this makes her remember and it still hurts. i hate this time of year, my birthday is coming up and that means that the anniversary of you leaving us is coming up too. i still miss you everyday. growler will always sleep on my bed, if i ever find a man that is willing spend the rest of his life with me, he better be ready to accept that growler was there first and he ain't going Anywhere.
I love my friends and family and i am very grateful for you. so thank you for being you, and thank you for being their for me. even if we have never met in person. even if i only know you are a 3ft tall gnome that has a pink mowhawk and runs around in a dress. I Cherish our friendships and i am grateful for all the times you have non complainingly sat there and listened to me talking rubbish because i was hyper, or bitched because i was hurting, i am sorry, i am thankful, i am me and i thank you for accepting that and letting me be me. i am going to stop writing now. this post is nothing like what i was intending it to be, which is so often the case when is start writing, it is scatterbrained and all over the place much like me. but it is honest and it is true. so if you read it i hope it gave you a little more insight into me. if not i guess i will have to work harder to bring the walls down and let people in. if i was to make a resolution this year that was to be it. Let more people into the real me, hope its working...

I'm Tired...

I'm tired of dreaming of you, every time that i do i Wake up and feel lIke you have been able to once again tear my heart to shredS. i thougHt that you loved me, I know that i loveD you. there were so many things that I wanted us to Do. i tried to be what you Needed me to be, i wanted to be There, i hated moving from you, it really waSn'T fair. I know that i'm bitter, i know it's not fair, but at this moment in time i reaLLy don't care. it turned out i didn't know you, it turned out that i was wrong, i went and got my heart broken, i thought it might happen alL alOng. you always seemed distracted, you always weren't completely there; you always had walls around you, i told myself i didn't care. i wonder if i pushed you? if what i said was wrong. was there something i could haVe done differEnt? something that would have made You stay? i remember the conversatiOn that we had one day, aboUt love and hoW it was lIke a walL, that if i wanted it to be strong and last forever then using toothpaste for mortar would be rather a useless idea, i guess our walL was made like that, not strong enough to hold against what was coming at it. i'm glad things seem to Be working out for yUu, and thaT really Is the truth, you are getting to all the places that i wanteD tO go with you. i'll stop writting this now, before it gets much sadder, i know you will never see this post and that really doesnt matter, mostly i think you will find dear sir that it is useless pratter.

the window...

Windows are a strange thing, a clear divider which people use to hide behind. To observe the goings on in the world while feeling like they cannot be seen. I have stood at this particular window many times over the last two years. Silently observing the changes. The changes in the colours of the trees surrounding the river. The lights in the city fading in and out as the clock continues to turn, like some unknowing tide. I have watched people enter this building with fear things are not going the way they had planned. The feeling that they are not in control of their lives and that some unknown force has already decided their fate. Those people hoping beyond hope that one of the souls in this building  with a collection of metal and rubber tubes around their neck, a symbol of hope, of fear, of a future, of an end. The hope that this person is a titan with the ability to take on this unknown force and control fate, to change what is happen and to provide them with a happy ending, to allow for a new beginning. Sitting at this window you can see many hundred buildings; there are houses and homes, churches spires and universities, hospitals and museums. Those buildings are not alive, they are but bricks and mortar. Yet they all have stories; and they are willing to tell you if you will listen. They have character and quirks unique to themselves, lovingly crafted and given to them by those who built them for others to enjoy. There is a life cycle connection for these buildings, each so very different and yet so well connected. Strands of being and memories, or history and life. The people who live in these homes built by some distant family member who is now gone, who put their hearts into building a university so others could learn and have a better future. Their children who grew up and went to the university to make themselves better and are now working to save lives n the hospital, hoping that their patient will recover, go on, have long lives, children and happiness. The churches where those requiring the comfort and belief that someone is looking out for them can be seen from this window. The churches holding those who need faith, trusting that the prayers they make can be heard and answered.  The museum standing tall and proud, its colourful lights highlighting its beauty and its shadows hiding the cities secrets. This red brick monolithic structure a promise to the future that we will not forget in the future to remember the past, and is a standing reminder to those who love now that we do indeed live. So let us give something amazing to those in the future to remember us by...


It is only a window a simple pane of glass...and yet the picture of a city had many stories, those that are divulged through every medium, those that are hidden and covered over and those that simply drift away to never be told. I will stand at that window again with my hands on the windowsill looking out and wondering what secrets this glass shields me from...

the song...

I find it strange how a simple selection of words when set to a collection of notes can have the large impact that they do on someones life. There are songs that people subconciously hear and remember things that have been long forgotten. There are happy songs for good times when you see a friend you haven't seen in years. The ones that remind you of choreography created in the back of a bus on the way to cheer a high school basketball game which are enthusiastically repeated at the wedding reception of the first of you to get married. The ones that got you through the tough times when your heart was broken by that boy and you cried alone in your room wondering why you were not good enough. The ones that pointed out that you can do better and that you have to have the confidence in yourself that you were to good for him. And there are the songs that don't have set memories or places in your history but that for some reason cause you to be calm, confident and happy. The ones that when you don't want to talk to anyone make you listen to yourself... and sometimes its listening to yourself that is the best music of all.


"Save tonight fight the break of dawn, come tomorrow tomorrow we'll be gone" -eagle eye cherry

Live today for today and let tomorrow be another adventure to look forward too.

Today Put On A Ring..

I put a ring on today that I got 5 years ago....and all the good times have come rushing back and the bad. I has made me think how far we have all come, how much things have changed. Some of us are wives, some of us are mothers, some are both, we have grown and with that we have changed, We have done things that we said we would, we have done things that we thought we would never accomplish, we have made new friends, we have lost old ones and we shall never forget them, they shall always be remembered by us. We have seen how the small things in our lives can have just as drastic effects as the tremendously large ones. we have seen how something small to one person can have had the biggest impact for someone else...
I have stood proudly and watched friends commit themselves to another person for all eternity and admired them for having the courage to know what they want and the strength to admit it. I have seen how the death of a person that we know nothing about can affect the way a person feels and thinks, the relationships they form and how once again the small things in life have their improtance reinstaited as important.
I have kicked snow on a highway when my bus broke down on the way to london and been happy doing so because it made new memories and made me remember old ones. I have held the hand of a man I knew nothing about as he took his last breath on this earth because I believe that no one should die alone. I have heard the first cry of a child being born, I have heard the excited laugh of a transplant patient because she feels like she has to pee for the first time in 10 years. I have debated wether people should donate organs while they are alive because of the risk to themselves and decided that there are risks to everything in life even the little things and that sometimes if you have the ability to help someone else get to share them too even for a few years longer that is one of the greatest gifts that you can give someone.

So for this ring i am greatfull, It is not the most expensive thing that i own, it is not the shiniest, it is not the thing that i think about everyday, it is my high school graduation ring...it is a circle of memories i hope that i never forget...I Hope that there are more rings in my future and that with each of these comes a new set of memories...I hope that there are rings in your future too.